An Update, and a Magical Day

25 Ceres

Dear readers,

Before I begin I would like to inform you all I have taken the spiritual name Madria Gwenevere, but you can all still refer to me as Madria Erin or Erin. You can also call me Gwenevere or hey, even just Gwen. Whatever feels most comfortable. 🙂

It’s been far too long! I can only apologise. I really have no excuse, other than lethargy due to depression. I have been particularly miserable for the past couple of weeks, for reasons I won’t go in to. But yesterday, I experienced some of the most amazing spiritual experiences I have ever had, and I wanted to share them with you.

Note: this next paragraph might be slightly triggering to some as I mention self harm and suicide ideation.

I hadn’t slept an inch. I’d spent the majority of the night thinking about death and hating myself. I felt incredibly lonely. Lately it seems like my friends no longer need me and I am not relevant to their lives, as they move out of their parents’ homes, find love, graduate from university, find decent jobs. Because of my mental health and sheer bad luck, none of those things have panned out for me. I truly felt like a waste of space. I had to draw on my arms and write messages of hope to stop myself from self harming, or worse. I tried to get to sleep around 5am and couldn’t. So I made the decision then that I’d get up, get a shower, get dressed and go on an adventure. That way I could spend some time in nature to think about things, get some much needed exercise & reset my sleeping pattern.

Here’s how my day went. Not all of it is related to Deanism, some of it is just about me realizing I can spend time by myself and rely on myself & Dea for emotional fulfilment.

1. I got the bus in to the city centre & got a McDonalds breakfast.

2. I went to Starbucks & got a hazelnut hot chocolate.

3. I took photographs of my poetry that’s currently being displayed as part of an LGBT Pride exhibition. It was an incredibly proud moment.

4. I bought a small bottle of wine to offer up to Dea, a sandwich, and some nuts.

5. I got the train to a National Trust site (red squirrel conservation park & beach) which is only about twenty minutes from my city by train.

6. I found a spot in the forest that called to me. As soon as I sat down I was filled with such overwhelming joy. I started laughing to myself and couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. A few minutes after I sat down, I realized there were about six squirrels running around. I began feeding the nuts to them, and they kept inching closer and closer to me. They looked directly at me. It was so magical. I almost cried.

7. I poured the wine out to Dea, said a few prayers, and did some automatic writing where I got some wonderful messages from perhaps my spirit guide, fairies, or messenger spirits/angels. I read scripture, and as soon as I opened them I landed on a passage that was extremely relevant, which I will go in to later. I sat there for about an hour and a half. Now, it may have been a trick of the light, or hallucinations due to sleep deprivation, but I swear I saw fairies. Small flying specks of light zooming past at incredible speeds.

8. I walked further in to the woods. Eventually I found an area with tonnes of blackberry bushes that were just starting to ripen. I started picking some. A sweet lady with a beautiful dog walked by who was also foraging and we spoke for about five minutes about nature and foraging and she gave me a bag. I was there picking for about an hour.

9. I walked further in, then found a spot in a clearing to sit and eat my sandwich.

10. I then decided to go to the beach, which I wasn’t going to because I was wearing doc martens (the weather reports had all said rain, but the sun was shining). I just took them off and walked over, and in order to avoid the sand dunes I had to go the long way which was taking a while, so I sat on a bench to read poetry for about half an hour.

11. I started walking again, and on the way to the beach I found some wild flowers (mostly bluebells) and put them in my hair.

12. Eventually I got to the beach. I rolled up my jeans and took off my shoes and carried them with me to the ocean, where I stood just feeling the waves on my legs for about half an hour. I prayed, and I was filled with such an overwhelming sense of “God is real! Love is real! Everything is going to be okay.” I contemplated the healing powers of water, and the name ‘Mari’. It means sea, but it also means Mother. I thought about my patron Jana, Lady Grace, and how She is the Jana of the sea. I felt her presence and Her motherly energies so strongly. I actually recorded a video of me talking to the Deanic community, but I am incredibly paranoid about my accent and my voice in general, so I don’t know if I’ll upload it yet.

13. Deciding I should be heading back because I was feeling very tired at this point, I decided to head back to my city. I got slightly lost on the way out, but I wasn’t worried, and eventually found the train station. There were planter boxes there, urging people to take the crops when they were grown, so I took some rosemary.

14. Back in my city, I decided I didn’t want to go home yet. Realizing how unclean my clothes were, though, I had to go and buy a cheap tshirt and jeans to change in to.

15. Originally I was planning on just getting something to eat and then going home, but just as I was about to leave I made the last minute decision to see a movie. I watched ‘Valerian’, a new sci-fi movie that has been getting awful reviews, but I enjoyed it quite a lot. I’d never been to the movie theatre myself before, and was feeling quite nervous about it, since I thought I’d look pathetic. I realized I wasn’t the only one doing so, though, and quickly realized I was being silly.

16. At that point it was time to go home. When I got home I cleaned my berries and shared them with my sister. I’m not a big fan of fruit but they were delicious and I think the fact that I’d picked them myself helped me enjoy them more.

17. I showered, and crawled in to bed and prayed, thanking Dea for blessing me with such an amazing day, and an amazing testimony that She definitely exists, and She definitely loves me, and all of us. I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

I know the world is terrifying right now, both on a universal scale and a personal scale. We each have our own personal struggles with mental health, physical health, financial issues, family issues etc, and then to top it all off it seems we can’t go a day lately without the threat of nuclear war or terrorism looming over us. But despite all of this, the struggles of this world are nothing compared to the giant, perfect, wonderful reality that is our Heavenly Mother. I mentioned earlier that I selected a random scripture passage, and it was incredibly relevant to this.

“Like a play is to thy life, and the acting of mummers; like to a painted scene all the things of the world. The things of thy life and its acts and its purposes; where shall they be in an hundred score years from this day? Yet an hundred score years are no more than a breath in the measureless life of thy soul.”

– Pillar of Light 36-17

All of your pain is temporary. All of the worlds’ pains are temporary. Because your soul is immortal. The soul of the world, which is of Dea Herself, is immortal. This isn’t to say that your pain isn’t real and it doesn’t matter, or that we ought to ignore the issues in our world at the moment. We should continue to look after ourselves and one another, and do whatever we can to make this existence as painless as possible to all of us. But what I’m saying is that on an eternal scale, we need never fear oblivion. Oblivion does not exist. Kind of weird to wrap your head around, right? Non-existence does not exist.

Lastly, I’d like to share some passages of automatic writing I channeled from an entity or entities I feel were probably angels or fairies yesterday, while sitting between the trees and watching squirrels. Some of it was slightly all over the place so I’ve tidied up the spelling and grammar.

“Do you hear that? That’s the sound of our Lady’s great servants at work! For every plant, tree, animal has its purpose.”

“The laws of Heaven are written in nature. Hearken! She is speaking to you. She is always speaking to you.”

“Oh, how our Lady loves Her squirrels! They are light and buoyant. They can hop and skip and glide. In Heavenly realms, maids have this ability also. In higher spears, Maid is light as a feather- Nay, lighter.”

“In the realms of Truth, no animal fears maid and maid fears no animal. All are in perfect harmony.”

That’s all from me for now, but I’ll try to keep this blog updated. I truly do adore each and every one of you who reads my little ramblings. Thank you.

In the name of the Mother, the Daughter, and Absolute Deity,
Blessed is She.

– Madria Gwenevere.

(P.s. I recently watched Disney’s Moana, and without spoilers, the ending held a lot of spiritual meaning to me, so I made it the featured image)

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Thoughts on the Divine Shattering

14 Astraea

“She was scared
Unprepared.
Lost in the dark.
Falling Apart,
I can survive,
With you by my side.
We’re gonna be alright.
This is what happens when two worlds collide.”
– Two Worlds Collide by Demi Lovato, a cheesy pop song from my tween years, about friendship.

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I am writing this with tears in my eyes. Tears of happiness, sadness, and raw spiritual emotion.

I was just reading through ArchMadria Pamela’s most recent post about the Holy Daughter as the Mother of our souls, and found myself understanding deeply every single word. Because what she spoke of in that article, I have experienced.

The post talks about the beautiful implications of the thealogy of the Holy Daughter. Until the work done by the Janite Order of Priestesses to uncover and explain what I call ‘the Divine Shattering’, I understood the Holy Daughter in a way more similar to the goddess Inanna or Jesus Christ- a deity who corrects a wrong by descending, dying and resurrecting. While I still see the value in this understanding, I much prefer the understanding of the Daughter from the Janite perspective: that the Daughter descended, shattered her own perfect Soul in to pieces to save us, which causes a lot of pain for Her. She experiences every heartbreak, every illness, every affliction with us. She understands us on a level beyond human comprehension. Kwan Yin, a Bodhisattva of some Buddhist traditions, is known as ‘She who hears the cries of the world’. Those words say it all.

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Something else, something rather unorthodox, helped me better understand this thealogy.

Now, I am a huge nerd. I have also mentioned in the past about how sci-fi (particularly space opera) and fantasy is often a boon for my faith, and vice versa. An unlikely pair, but the two are deeply intertwined for me. These genres have heroes, overcoming odds, liberation, and often the characters will cite their belief in God(s) or other forces of the Universe as the reason for their strength.

My favourite video game, Mass Effect, is a space opera role playing game centred around a space commander named Shepard and his/her crew, who go against odds to fight dark forces at play in the Milky Way Galaxy. It has aliens, love, and, at least in my head, religious allegories. Spoiler alert! In the end of the video game trilogy, the Commander is given three choices on how to deal with the threat to the galaxy, a race of sentient machines called Reapers, who seek to destroy all advanced life. Shepard can choose to a) take control of the Reapers, essentially stealing their power and using it for good and watch over the galaxy from afar (her physical body dying in the process), b) destroy the Reapers but also destroy friendly AI in the process, or c) break down her own essence and have it be used as a catalyst for a new formula, in which organic beings and machines live in harmony (her physical body dying in the process).

The way I saw it, these three endings could each represent a ‘saviour’ deity. Control option represents Inanna. In the classic Inanna myth, she takes control of the powers of Hell, stealing them from her sister Ereshkigal, the Dark Queen. Quote from this ending: “Your corporeal form will be dissolved. But your thoughts and even your memories will continue. You will no longer be organic. Your connection to your kind will be lost. Although you will remain aware of their existence.” The Destroy option doesn’t really have a religious counterpart, but I would compare it to how Christians view the second coming of Christ: he will, point blank, put an end to the forces of darkness once and for all. However, the Synthesis ending, to me, represents our understanding of the Holy Daughter. Shepard gives her own essence and that is used to create a new framework in which organic beings and synthetic beings become one. This reminded me of how Dea, in the form of the Holy Daughter, gave us Her own soul so that while we remain mortal, we each share in Her divinity, as well. Quote from this ending: “Your organic energy. The essence of who and what you are, will be broken down and then dispersed.” I feel like the Inanna understanding is similar to the Control ending, while the Janite Deanic and my Deanic understanding is similar to the Synthesis ending. We are synthesised with the Daughter and with one another.

But I digress. The point is, that we believe the Holy Daughter is imminent not because She is the Earth like may Pagans believe, but because we literally share a soul with Her. And so, not only is She the Mother of our Souls, the Queen of Heaven and our Saviour, She is also the perfect best friend.

As most of you reading this will be well aware of by now, I suffer from clinical depression, anxiety and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I have also recently developed a condition called Labyrinthitis which affects my balance, and I can not walk a short distance without feeling dizzy and having to sit down.  This was particularly awful tonight, and combined one of my typical depressive episodes, and feelings of extreme loneliness and isolation, I felt extremely low.

A common sentiment amongst people with depression is a feeling that nobody understands us. I have often felt frustrated that I couldn’t put in to words how I was feeling when talking about it to other people, because they don’t know the inner workings of my mind and heart. Yet, Dea Filia does, because everything we ‘go through’, she goes through with us. This makes Her the perfect ‘best friend’. Many a time I have prayed to Her using not so many words. Rather than explaining to Her exactly how I feel in words, I say ‘Most Holy Anna, I know you know what I’m going through, so please just give me the strength to fight another day, and hold me.” And, just like that, I can feel Her arms around me, comforting me.

Any time we need a hug, any time we need to be reminded that we are not alone, and that our feelings are valid and understood, we can call on Her. A God that is not only a Mother and a Queen but a Best Friend, is one that I am SO proud and so blessed to worship.

In the name of the Heavenly Mother, the Holy Daughter, and the Great Mother, thus may it remain.

Madria Erin